Dawn Comes in the Morning

Sunshine helps. It helps a lot. It's weird how one day, one hour, one conversation can be so utterly and completely overwhelming. Wasn't I over this? Haven't I had enough "counseling" to cure anything? Unfortunately, triggers don't come with a warning. They don't say, "Hey, I'd like to stop by tomorrow, say... about dinner time. Be prepared." Nope. They show up, they smack you around, and then they leave you in a puddle.

Hearing words that don't help when your heart is raw and exposed is the usual "rubbing salt in a wound". Hearing that I'm not helping either, isn't really a surprise, but it hurts me even more to know that I'm causing pain. Goodness, I have enough for everyone right now, why would I do that? I'll tell ya why. It's because hurt people hurt people. 

I think we broke through a few barriers the last couple of days. Our family feels like it's hanging on by a thread. Why make it worse? We need to hold on tight, we need to hold each other, we need Jesus.
I'm so sorry. I mumbled. I'm so sorry that I've said things out of my pain and anger. I'm sorry that I can't seem to just let Jesus carry us through this, I'm sorry that I'm a jerk, I'm sorry that I bitch about the most stupid crap ever, I'm sorry that I don't love you like I should. 

He is hurting too. Reeling from the revelation that even good intentions end up badly. Ignoring problems doesn't fix them. Paying for things costs money. Making money means being absent. Being absent means being out of touch. Please stop being absent when you are home?

Touching is healing. I'm telling you right now that if you (whoever you are) grabbed me in a hug I would just spill my glittery tears all over you and myself. I'm not sure why hiding out seems so safe. We hugged. We held hands. I just put my hand on his shoulder while he was reading. He asked why. I said because I can. And I should. We spooned. Then we stopped because sometimes I just want to sleep and seriously that isn't very comfortable when I want to just sleep.

Sunshine was peeking through my windows this morning. I managed to get up and make coffee. I haven't done that in weeks. I drove the boys to school without any issues. It was good. But, I had to say to my son, "Tonight. We need to talk." He only has three more days at this school, and he doesn't even know. He needs to know. I need to stop worrying about the "what if's".