My prayers are full of pleading with the Lord for Him to bring you to your senses, or for him to knock me out of mine. Some days are so painful, and wrought with anxiety over JUST YOU that I often wonder if I'm overlooking everything else that matters just to worry. Then I begin to worry about the worry. I know better than to worry, but you bring about sheer panic. Every cell in my body is unsettled at the thought of what is going to happen next. I can't breathe at times, for fear that the oxygen in the room will be used by me, when it would be better used by you to make better choices.
I fear that you will be broken beyond repair, and I furrow my brow at the thought of you going even deeper into the realm of darkness, where I have been before and longed for years to escape from. In no way would I ever wish that darkness on my most wicked enemy, so for you to be on that path, behind the solid glass wall that I continually pound on in vain, is almost more than I can bear. I love you and I care so much about you that I can barely hold my heart inside my body. It wants to come right out of me and wrap you in warmth, to show you that you are worthy of love, that you are a valuable and beautiful person.
If I could give all my money and all my possessions to protect you, I would live in a box in an alley just to see that happen. If I could know without a shadow of a doubt that you would be safe when you are not within my sight, I would tear out my eyes and give them away in order to feel that feeling. If could be at peace with where you are going, I would sleep on a bed of nails for a year because it would be so much more comfortable than I am feeling right now. I would step on hot coals rather than feel the burning sensation that creeps up in my throat late in the night when I am overwhelmed by grief and sadness at the choices you have made and continue to make.
Why, oh why am I tormented by this? Is my love for you not enough? Is the love everyone else has for you not enough? Is the love of our Heavenly Father just a trinket to you? Something to play with and then throw away when it loses it's shine?
How wrong you are, how sick in the heart and how sad you must feel to carry such a burden. Making yourself hurt more does not equal being loved more. It only serves to make EVERYONE hurt. And it's hard to truly love when you feel pain. I do know this, as I have experienced it fully. I know that you must have a hard time seeing through your pain to love yourself. Oh how I wish that for you.
I must change my wishes though. I must wish for you to survive. To not succumb to defeat. To never give up. I wish for myself to rely more heavily on the One who Sustains and to trust fully that He has a plan for you. I wish for you that some day, some how, you will stumble to the foot of the Cross where you will catch a glimpse of God's magnificent, pursuing love. He is deeply, and insanely in love with you. The kind of love that a man can never hope to have. Our God will fill every void in your heart. He will patch up every deep gash in your memories, and will nurture them with kindness and gentleness. He will cause you to see yourself as I see you. A beautiful, wonderful, amazing creature of God. Perfect in every way. A lovely sight to behold, yet with a heart that is heavy and full of pain that was not caused by you. He can heal that heart. He wants to wash it white as snow. He loves you. But you have to open the door. Your side of the door is the only side with the latch. On the other side sits a basket full of wisdom, strength and discernment in make good decisions and righteous judgments. He is right there waiting. And so am I.
