Made it to a Month

He's been in for a month. I was pretty sure we'd  never get to this day, so I'm actually really impressed. I'm impressed with him, and I'm even more impressed with myself. I literally can't count how many times I've been asked to rescue him from this. To take the burden off, to eliminate the consequence. There have been a lot of "two steps forward, one step back" things going on. But honestly, a lot of the time it feels more like two steps backwards before we get one step forward. I guess sometimes that's how it has to be.

Progress isn't always a forward motion. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a swing. One of those big wooden swings hanging under a tree. The kind with big ropes and a mud puddle underneath. Just when I feel like I'm getting some height and enjoying the ride, I look waaaay up to seek the sunshine through the branches, but I swing too high, flip backwards and land face-first in the puddle. It sucks. It's messy. Really messy. I don't just land... I splat. My clothes get dirty, my mouth gets full of nasty stuff, the wind gets knocked out of me and my eyes burn with tears from the suddent jolt of pain.

Having conversations with  my son is like that. I feel like we're getting somewhere, I feel like there is clarification, there are some answers, then SPLAT. I'm knocked right onto my face. I don't always see it coming, even though I feel pretty stupid that I should by now. Always optomistic. Always getting hurt. I guess that's better than always being pessimistic and then never getting hurt - because seriously that just means I'd be hurting everyone else and not really paying attention.

I'm thankful that I have a heart.
I'm glad that I'm going through this stuff. Really, truly, honestly thankful.
I'm happy that my family wants to be better at being a family.
I appreciate advice from others who have walked this path.
I've even apprecated advice from those who haven't. Especially the ones that tell me they have no clue what I'm going through, but they are willing to walk alongside me and wipe my tears as we go.
Wow, that's seriously the best thing ever.

Sometimes, though, people say things that really stink. My job as a Mom gets called into question:

Maybe you're not trying hard enough.
Maybe you're not saying the right things.
Maybe you're not HEARING.
Maybe you need to try to rid yourself of this burden.
Maybe you need to pass it off to someone else. 

Maybe, just maybe, I'm doing the best that I can, with the skills that I have and the guidance that I've been seeking? Maybe you well-meaning critics should should seriously stop expecting me to doubt myself right now? Maybe I'm doing ok, and this is just the way it's going to go to get to where we need to be? Maybe it's not a BAD thing to go through this stuff, to persevere, to learn and grow? I don't want to take shortcuts. I really believe there aren't any.

I'm ok. Dealing with a "problem" child is what Mom's do. Mom's don't just give up. Mom's learn to cope. Mom's just try everything possible, and when there's nothing left to try, they keep praying.

We just keep praying.